Or: My first graduate school interview.
Please excuse the profanity, I am tired and not happy.
Back and exhausted and I didn't study for my test on the plane because I was sad and frustrated and tired and just wanted to watch TV. And we sat on the runway for 40min waiting to take off, blah. So I got home later than I thought I would, and I am tired and the kitty is probably going to wake me up tons because I was gone and now I'm back (she does this).
Still sad. I wish I could take the day off tomorrow. Unfortunately I have that stupid exam I didn't study for. I wish, instead I could sleep and eat pancakes and watch more TV and snuggle on the couch and not move for a whole day. I am so travel weary it's ridiculous.
In the past two days I have been in at least 4 different cars, two shuttle vans, five trains and two airplanes. I have walked up and down countless steps carrying my suitcase. I have slept badly in at least 3 different places. I ate on the go 4 times. I ate so much junk food I don't even really want to think about it. I experienced a 50+ degree drop in temperature in 4 hours and I'm still cold, even though I'm back in the warmth again. I acquired some new zits.
All so I could spend 20 minutes in the office of the head of the art therapy department at one of my top schools, after being brought in 30min late, and she didn't even remember who I was and hadn't looked at half of my application. And none of what we talked about could not have been done on the phone. In fact, most of it was repeated from my information meeting I had with the SAME PERSON about six weeks ago. I got vague, crappy questions - was repeatedly asked why this school in particular was good for me - and received no follow-up questions to any of my answers. No real interest in who I was.
I know that in essence I only spent around $30 on this trip because I used air miles to buy my plane ticket and my aunts and cousins paid for most of my food. However, those air miles could have been used for something more fun and worthwhile.
Also, I came out of this with a huge sense of disillusionment. Shouldn't grad schools be courting students they like? Shouldn't they at least respect the fact that I traveled almost 4,000 miles in 36 hours for a minute of their time?? Maybe offer to show me around?? Or at least pretend like they're interested in me and that my time and effort was worth it????
And I was thinking, what if I don't get into grad school? This seems like a very real possibility now. All this time I'd been so optimistic, like I was going to get into two or three schools and I'd have to make that tough choice. But now I feel really shitty about myself, like I'm not a very good candidate and maybe I'll get passed up at every school because they didn't finish reading my application to see that I'm doing the prerequisites right now. What if I don't get in? And I'll be moving away from here, now that I have friends here, to another city, and starting over again but not having anything set in place for me? Again having to find a job not knowing what kind of thing I'll be able to do, just trying to do something that's vaguely interesting for the meanwhile so I can try again? Or maybe give up and not try again.
Just thinking about all of this is overwhelming and makes me not want to move. On the plane I watched TV because I knew if I tried to study I would just keep thinking about how I feel like I am a shitty candidate for grad school and wouldn't get anything done, other than maybe crying. You know I'm taking these psych classes and ceramics class so I can get into grad school. It wouldn't be a waste of time having taken them even if I don't get in because learning is good in general, but it would kind of feel like it. Like, I don't have a job right now, I'm just taking these classes, I am just spending money and bringing in zero dollars every month. I don't want to be spending my savings only to not achieve my goal.
I feel soooooooooo crappy right now. And the kitty is impatient and I have to medicate the pig and really I just want to sleep in and eat pancakes.